By When I started this sex work, I was almost completely covered. I thought I would sell used panties to make money and quit. Little did I know, I fell in love with the work, and it had a name. Escort girl.
As a child, I thought escort girls only meant prostitution, but fortunately, I learned a lot since I entered this field. Now, I’ll get straight to the point, but please bear with me for a second.
As you can probably guess, when I turned 21, I went a little nuts and it was legal to buy beer. I had my first “real” boyfriend, my first experience with an escort girl, drank a lot, went to hard rock concerts, and hung out with people who just smoked pot and surfed.
To me, it was cool. I loved it, but I still felt out of place. I felt almost invisible. Something was wrong, and it wasn’t until years later that I realized it wasn’t my clothes, or the people around me, or the music — it was my head telling me everything was wrong. I told myself I wasn’t skinny enough, I wasn’t curvy enough, I wasn’t tattooed enough, I wasn’t tan enough, my boobs weren’t big enough, my butt wasn’t small enough. That I hadn’t kept up. No one had told me that except for myself. I think there were many reasons, but ultimately it was my mind telling me I wasn’t good enough.
After I was assaulted by an escort girl in my mid-20s, I felt like my body didn’t belong to me. I felt like I should dig deep inside my heart and hide there. Exposing myself was wrong, shameful, and not what a good Christian girl would do. And after I was assaulted, I felt like I’d committed the worst sin. I blamed myself. This led me to drink heavily and cut myself. I felt so ashamed, thinking that I didn’t deserve to be beautiful because my body had done this to me.
I could do anything I wanted and I was accepted no matter what anyone said. The fetish community is supportive and encouraging. I could flaunt my size 10 curves, my 200-pound ass and belly with rolls of fat, and still be considered an escort girl. I was told I was pretty, nice, and delicious. I was told things about myself that no one had ever told me before. And the best part? I believed it. You see, strangers get nothing out of complimenting you when you are surrounded by thousands of women of all shapes, sizes, and colors. They don’t have to say nice things to me, they can do that to anyone, but when they did to me, I believed it. Once I believed it, I didn’t feel invisible anymore. I used to think it was a hard job, but thanks to the fetish community, it’s not so scary anymore.
Being an escort girl makes me feel in control. I have control over my body. I have control over what I share and how I share it. Deciding to sell my panties and do videos and other types of adult-related work helped me to have control over myself. This helped me to understand that it is okay to be an escort girl and to have control over my body. No one, not even my buyers, not even my husband, owns any part of me. And I realized that was the beginning of my healing process. I don’t feel like I owe anyone any part of me anymore. I’m married and monogamous. Just because I’m an escort girl doesn’t mean I want to be with or be with someone else. I keep my work and personal life strictly separate, and that’s part of the control I need. Aside from my work as an escort girl, I’m a completely normal 44-year-old woman. I pray every day but don’t go to church or read the Bible. I attend online 12-step meetings, make jewelry, and rescue cats. I have anxiety but I work on it every day. I still dress pretty modestly, but that’s my choice — not because I’m embarrassed or want to hide anything, but because I want to control when and who I show.
